It’s really difficult for me to be myself. “Who am I?” is an unanswered question that is always distracting me from finding out. In fact the fear of finding out the kind of person that I am is so great that I can never truly act myself because the idea that others wouldn’t get offended seems to me an improbability. However, no matter what, I still seem to offend people and alienate them through my internal struggle between the disguising of myself of the things I fear will offend them and yet still presenting my self honestly. And when I ask myself, “Who am I?” I think that I am someone I don’t like. However, this opinion of myself is only a perception of myself and not who I really am. Although I think that ones desire to not offend, is something to appreciate. Ones total honesty is negative and unappealing. However, I’m still stuck with the question, only now it has become larger and more difficult to discern. “Am I a person that can truly act as himself not knowing who he is?”
Archive for the 'Words' Category
I am not a photographer!
My recent pursuit and attempt to enter the world of professional photography has come to an end. This does not mean that I will put down the camera. It only means that I refuse to continue to endeavor to find a niche in an industry that is over saturated and far too competitive. But even further, I do not have much respect for the medium as an art form. I’ve always thought that photography is for those that can’t draw or don’t want to spend the time to learn.
The only kind of photography that I truly believe is great is journalistic photography. This is because the one thing that photographs do best is capture a moment of a real time and event. The photographers that I’ve had the greatest respect for are the war photographers. And of the war photographers, my favorite is Larry Burrows. When Larry took a picture in the middle of a firefight, he did it with a fully manual, manual focus, range finder Leica.
These days taking a good picture is at it’s easiest. This maybe why there are about 60,000 professional photographers in NYC. My attempt to make it a profession is derivative in my endeavor to become a director. I’ve tried many different things in this pursuit and you can see the results in the galleries of studioDK.org. However, I have never been offered the opportunity. But, many photographers have.
From what I’ve been told, is that I’m a good editor, I’m a good motion graphics artist, I’m a good storyboard artist and even shooter, but no one wants to make the jump and suggest that I’d be a good director. I’ve also been told that I’m a good photographer. The funny thing is, is that with my photography, the fashion people say my reportage is good and the journalists say my fashion is good. This is very frustrating cause, I seem to get all this positive feedback which I believe is genuine, However, no one ever wants to fully acknowledge my skills. It is out of my control.
With all my skills, I have to focus on what is in my control. And because of this I’ve decided that I’ve achieved creating a portfolio of photography that shows that not only do I have an eye for the highest caliber of aesthetic, but also I can carry a story. However, for me to continue to shoot a commercial style of work, I feel I need some financial maneuverability that the industry does not want to give me. And I just don’t have the energy to pursue it, by trying to convince someone who is blind to see all the skills I bring to the table. Given the opportunity I could easily work at the level of todays top photographers. Given the opportunity I’m sure others could as well.
Working as a photographer has more to do with politics than skill. In fact I believe it now takes no skill to shoot a nice picture. Just an aesthetic for it. Point, shoot, look at the screen and if it’s not right, adjust and push the button again.
I am much greater than a photographer….
This time at my mother’s, in the Poconos I woke up no later than 8 AM. The day after my arrival we had a premature snow storm delivering about a foot of snow. The following days it melted quickly as the temperatures rose quickly producing a tranquil fog. I took this shot in my pajamas. If got dressed I thought conditions would change and I would miss my shot.
These are the foot prints of a young bobcat that came to visit my mothers garden. We were very fortunate to experience such a sighting. As I stood up in thought of retrieving my camera, our friends sagacity caught my movement through the windows of the glass room causing him to quickly recede into cover.
The sign reads, “TRAIL CLOSED due to big game hunting season.”
The schedule for hunting season varies according to the type of game you are allowed to hunt. This day was one of the three days of the season you are allowed to hunt bear. I think that this sign serves more as a warning to would be hikers rather than a restriction. However, one should always be cautious trekking in the woods alone. Last year in PA there were 46 total reported hunting accidents. 44 were non fatal which leaves 2. Wow, not very many. Of the two fatalities one was self inflicted and the other by someone else. However, there are many things in life that we engage in that are dangerous but in the woods hunters or no hunters, wildlife can be dangerous too.
As a proponent of our second amendment right which I believe was written under the idea that the United States was created from a pluralist ideal, The term “militia,” and “people” clearly refers to the plural form of “a free and individual citizen.” At the time written, there clearly was no debate about it’s interpretation. And as advanced and modern a society we think we are, let’s not be so silly to think that they had no imagination of the possible advancement of the firearm. Now if you try and claim that the term “arms” in it’s definition, does not include an assortment of personal weapons from a dagger to an assault riffle. I hope that you will suffer a life of enslavement because you clearly do not want to except the responsibility that comes with individual freedom. As you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to decline gun ownership. However, being that you resign to exercise your right does not mean that I should have to give up mine. This is why it’s an inalienable right. You see above, I do not have a gun. But more importantly you should see that I am being responsible for my own safety.
Although I do not own a gun because of the laws created by the useful idiots that make up the majority of New York City. A city that probably has stricter gun laws than Soviet Russia, I still was able to hunt and this is what I shot.
Isn’t our country beautiful?
I have a friend that is a post-grad literary student at Columbia University. She once said to me that what she loves about reading books is that it saves her from having to sit with her own thoughts. Reading was an escape from the fatigue and emotional fallout that was created by haunting thoughts about her self and her life. My experience has been different. I’ve always found it difficult to read cause I, some one, also that often is trapped in my head with a heavy interior monologue, found it difficult to read a page with out the over whelming power of my own thoughts interfering with my concentration to extrapolate what was on the page before me. But I always had this idea that I would like to fashion my self a person who is well read. And of course the only way one could do this is by reading. Also, I’ve always wanted to make films. And the foundation for most all filmmaking is a story and the written word.
In the mid 90’s I had an idea for a screenplay called “Pool Hall,” but I didn’t have the courage to write it. Growing up through my experience in school, it was brought to my parent’s attention that my reading and writing skills were very poor. I was taken aside, which felt more like being singled out, and put through process of having to meet with all sorts of professionals and take a few diagnostic tests. One test was an IQ test that included a Rorschach inkblot test. And if you have ever taken one of those, you would understand the kind of alienating experience that it could be. I thought I was retarded at the end of the whole experience. And I was left with profound feelings of inadequacy about my writing skills that haunted me through the rest of my checkered educational career. So now you could imagine the confounding barrier that I had to over come in order to succeed in actually completing a feature length screen play. But I’m not stupid and was not going to do it alone. So I enlisted the help of a person that I met on a job that quickly became a friend and his name is Drew.
Now Drew being about 10 years older and having been a post grad American lit student brought many things to the table. Beyond the discipline I had to muster up to keep up with him, he taught me many things about writing. But even more importantly, over the years he has helped me dispel the myth of my in inadequate literary skills. He’d often say, “Dylan, I don’t know why you think you can’t write. It takes just takes practice.” Or “Dylan you often like to claim that you can’t verbally express your self but you tend to be able to articulate your thoughts better than most people I speak to.” Drew over the years has become somewhat of a mentor when it comes to my issues with reading and writing. He loves books and is always willing to discuss the complexities of characters and their relation to a writer’s interest in creating them. He also will often encourage me, expressing to me how I might find the value and satisfaction in my own development in any endeavor of writing. For example, this blog.
It has been 10 years past since the completion of “Pool Hall.” And still I’m somewhat haunted by this demon that holds me back from writing the scripts that I’d want to make into films. However, recently I’ve just started and am just about completed the first draft of a short film I want to make. And I have to write what a wonderful experience that it has been. What I’ve found that I really like about writing is that it provides an alternative remedy to being trapped inside my head with thoughts and feelings of fear, failure, boredom and, loneliness. I find my self envisioning a whole world filled with characters, plots and images that are so powerful that I can be sitting with my eyes opened but lost in this dream. And the first step to share this dream is to write it. For me it seems a perfect. And now I must return to finish it.
I decided to update the look of my blog. Mainly cause I stumbled across a theme that would allow my viewers to play the videos I post in the same page. The nice thing is that I can now post pictures bigger and I created a header that is congruous to the style of the studioDK website.
Blogging is proving to be the correct remedy for that losted feeling that I expressed yesterday. I’m starting to again crank those creative gears. Also I’ve started to create an audience. I have a few that have registered and I’d like to thank them. This is why I do the work I do. All my efforts in working to create what I create is really my desire to build and entertain an audience. I don’t do it for my self! I’m not motivated by a self-absorbed masturbation, which always results in nothing. I do it to reach out. It’s not just for me to express my opinion but mainly to share my experience. I knew from the beginning that I would not let my blog to become a forum for me to criticize and pollute cyberspace with my negative thoughts which I have many. And it has been a success. I suggest everyone do it.
This evening I went to the Studio Museum in Harlem Located on 125th street btwn Adam Clayton Powell and Lenox ave. It is a very nice museum and the art is good. They had an exhibition of the photos of James Van Der Zee. There was a photo of a Harlem pool hall that I would love to acquire a print of. It takes you back to that time of the Harlem Renaissance. Many of the photos visualized the thoughts I imagined as I was making my way through the streets of Harlem to get to this Museum. However, I must admit that I think that a lot of my thoughts of this vintage aesthetic was also do to the fact that I had just finished watching the original 1932,“Scarface” movie directed by Howard Hawks before I set out for the Museum. I think everyone should see this movie that has only seen the 1983 remake.
At the Museum I was introduced to DJ Spooky (that subliminal kid). He gave me this CD. He said that he had just been in Venice for the Bi-Annual, which included a piece of his work. He also told me that he is working on a film in which people can re-edit and manipulate… I really would like to see this when he is done. Funny thing is that I had actually met him just before he became a start DJ. It was in a record shop on the bowery btwn Bond and Great Jones. I’m not sure how we started talking but I remember that we started to talk about Zakir Hussein. He was and still is very nice and courteous. I’m listening to this CD as I write this but I must admit it is kind of schizophrenic.
I’ve hit a mid summer lull. This lull has not come on because of the summer. It is due to a common occurrence that has happened over and over again through my life working as a freelancer. It happens when I’m taken out of the rhythm that I have been able to create for my self when I’m not working.
When I’m not working I have to find ways to stay motivated and crank those personal gears that allow me to build momentum. If a small and short job comes along such as storyboarding a commercial I can usually sustain my initial momentum after the job. However, at the beginning of this summer I was presented with a great opportunity to run a few projects in which I art directed, consulted and did the motion graphic work for the titles of three movies. One was a small Russian film, the other two where American films. “Girl in the Park” an independent film staring Sigourney Weaver and Kate Bosworth and “Awake” which is a larger budget movie staring Hayden Christensen, Jessica Alba and Terrence Howard. I am currently doing another movie called “Tenderness” which stars Russell Crowe.
All this work hit suddenly and because it was new territory for me it was a lot of pressure. I had to acclimate my self to a new workflow and process that I’m not so accustom to. And most all the responsibility fell on me to be able to produce. It’s been a good and challenging experience and will lead to new things and I’m very excited for that. But this work is on a contract bases and when it rains it pours. But one can also find one’s self in a drought.
As of now things have really slowed down and I feel as though I have lost my momentum. I’m lost as what to do with my self and not sure where I should put this energy. And what I tend to do is let this energy knot up inside. This produces a depressed and sad feeling inside of me. Every thing starts to become an effort and my attitude starts to become despondent and my moral low. This is how I feel. However, I know and have faith in my resilience and I have to keep an objective perspective that this feeling will pass and I have tools to help. And the tool that kept coming to mind for me is this blog.
For the last two weeks I have thought about my blog. I’ve thought how I need to post another and that for so long I haven’t. I felt that I had to put up a picture or do something that seems more gallant than just words on page. I have a natural tendency to want to build things to grand and monumental proportions. Instead I end up with self-pity that I cannot live up to my own expectations. It’s horrible. But I realized that the show must go on! And words are just as important. This blog is important to me. It is a work in progress and will never be finished. So for all that may be visiting words are what I have to offer now.
This is my midyear report card of my sophomore year in high school. I cherish this relic of my past.
When recently asked why I would want to keep it? My answer was,” I’d like to show it to my kid when he is having trouble with school in his adolescents. I want to show him the proof and know that his father had trouble with school. I want him to know that his report card and experience in high school does not determine the worth of his identity and cap the value of what he will achieve in his lifetime.”
This report card for me is proof of a miracle. If you look closely at it, you will see that the common reason given for my failure is excessive absence. And this was true. I didn’t show up for school most of that whole quarter. But I didn’t fail every class. I passed one. And as the others I did not show and should of failed. Although science can rationalize it as a simple coincidence, I see it as a personal message to me by God or what ever you want to call that thing that is responsible for the cosmic order. Of all the report cards that I’ve had in my education, this one was the truest representation of me, my hope and the faith in my life, at a time when if asked, I would of denied and replied, ” If I had a button that could destroy the world, I would press it!”
On the report card the class is abriviated.
I was was at a bar-b-que in Bedford Stuyvesant during the memorial day weekend. It’s a beautiful Neighborhood with hundred year old town houses. When you walk down the streets you can imagine horse and buggies moving about. I had a wonderful time and before I knew it it was late and it was time for me to go home. But as I was about to hit the subway I was told that “A” subway line had been shut down after midnight do to track work. So I was invited to crash. I was also told that it’s not good to walk in the neighborhood at night. Bed Stuy is the ghetto deep in Brooklyn.
That night Stella (who also was crashing there) and I decided to have a smoke out on the stoop. It was late but there were a couple of people across the street also were hanging out on the their stoop. As we were puffing away we hear, “po po po pow!” Gun shots from the rooftops. Stella says to me, “I think we should go inside!” I reply, “Don’t worry about it… it’s just some kids gun clapping on the rooftops.” After all it’s the hood and I’ve heard that in my neighborhood before the gentrification. Stella said, “I don’t know Caroline told me that it gets kind of crazy around here and there was someone shot just the other day.” I said,”well I’d like to finish my cigar and it’s not on the street. It’s on the roof top.” Then again,”po po po po pow!” from another rooftop in a slightly different direction. Stella was at the door standing at this point, “I’m going inside! I’m not staying out here! Come inside” I replied, “I think I’m going sit and finish my cigar.” “POW!” again. “Dylan come inside! look the people across the street are going inside and they’ve lived here all their lives!” I looked across and sure enough the were evacuating their spot. I decided to take Stella up on her suggestion. I went inside.
I thought to my self, “Damb, Iraq must be like this minus the car bombs…. maybe as Americans, we should be dealing with our war here”
Many years ago, I was riding the train downtown. I had my bongos. I was on my way to Tomkin’s Square Park to drum. It was one of those tough times. I ran out of money for school. I was disillusioned. I felt discouraged that I couldn’t practice my art, which I thought was film. Didn’t have the resources. I had fiddled with photography as an alternative. But it to required financial resources I didn’t have. I got on to this train in a bad head.
When I sat down and began to tap on my drums. An old black man across from me made a drumming gesture. He smiled and said, “I can tell, you play music for a living… you’re a musician.” I said, “Naaa, man I’m just learning bongos. I’ve been playing for about two years.” He smiled and said, “you’re good… well I bet you’re an artist. You draw? You take pictures?… What do you do?” I didn’t feel to good about my self. I replied, “I can draw a little and I take pictures too… but… I’m not an artist. I want to make films but I’m poor.” I continued, “I’ve been playing bongos in the subways with my bongo teacher to make a little money. But I’m poor!” The old man shook his head, “You’re not poor! Man… You’re rich! You’re rich… You can draw, take pictures and play music. You’re rich man. Times maybe tough but you’re a man of wealth, and all the money in the world can’t buy what you got. Nobody can take that away from you!”
His words changed my life.