It’s really difficult for me to be myself. “Who am I?” is an unanswered question that is always distracting me from finding out. In fact the fear of finding out the kind of person that I am is so great that I can never truly act myself because the idea that others wouldn’t get offended seems to me an improbability. However, no matter what, I still seem to offend people and alienate them through my internal struggle between the disguising of myself of the things I fear will offend them and yet still presenting my self honestly. And when I ask myself, “Who am I?” I think that I am someone I don’t like. However, this opinion of myself is only a perception of myself and not who I really am. Although I think that ones desire to not offend, is something to appreciate. Ones total honesty is negative and unappealing. However, I’m still stuck with the question, only now it has become larger and more difficult to discern. “Am I a person that can truly act as himself not knowing who he is?”
Archive for the 'Philosophy' Category
I just read an article in the March 10th addition of Newsweek Magazine about the late William F. Buckley Jr. I have to be honest and say I did not really know much about this man except that he was the editor and chief and owner/publisher of the National Review and a staunch conservative. In fact at one point in my adolescent life, I thought of him as the embodiment of evil personified as wealthy no neck elitist. Ahhh…. how wrong I was to think that I was so different in my ways of thinking to this man’s. Only in my ignorance. As I read through this article I could not help but kind of admire him. In fact, congruous to mine, this article mentioned many thoughts and positions Buckley promoted in it’s thesis that claims him to be one of if not the key architect of the modern American conservative agenda. Buckley’s route ideals to be that of individualism and a pluralist freedom over the liberal collectivism and it’s dogma that is used to promote discontentment and water down American constitutional freedoms. A battle that I can not avoid as I negotiate the liberal streets of NYC. And I think it’s too bad that I did not pay closer attention to this man’s point of view for armament. Now not without my true form of incredulity, do I think that Buckley was impervious to fault of ignorance and manipulations or that his point of view and influence was too used promote agendas in direct conflict to his own. His life as been that of privilege and fortune however, well spent.
R.I.P. William F. Buckley Jr.
Here is a little equation that I learned from a fellow artist for hire. It’s an equation that I may express to a clients and even prospective clients if I feel they begin to express unrealistic expectations. Although it can be applied to any profession in the service industry, I call it “The Equation for the Law of the Craftsman” because I feel that it particularly pertains to professions of unique and particular skills in that one is given an idea and is hired to render the idea into a real or material object.
As with many equations this one is based on three variables. These variables are Quality, Time, and Cost. And as with most clients, they will desire the best of all three. Good, Fast and Cheap! However, although they may perceive to think they can find a better craftsman that will be able to perform for them at the highest level in all three variables, they will soon find that they will run right smack into “The Equation for the Law of the Craftsman” and this “Law of the Craftsman” only allows them to have have the best in two of these three variables. And so it goes like this:
“The Equation for the Law of the Craftsman”:
You can have “good” and “fast.” But it will not be “cheap!”
You can have “fast” and “cheap.” But it will not be “good!”
You can have “cheap” and “good.” But it will not be “fast!”
This time at my mother’s, in the Poconos I woke up no later than 8 AM. The day after my arrival we had a premature snow storm delivering about a foot of snow. The following days it melted quickly as the temperatures rose quickly producing a tranquil fog. I took this shot in my pajamas. If got dressed I thought conditions would change and I would miss my shot.
These are the foot prints of a young bobcat that came to visit my mothers garden. We were very fortunate to experience such a sighting. As I stood up in thought of retrieving my camera, our friends sagacity caught my movement through the windows of the glass room causing him to quickly recede into cover.
The sign reads, “TRAIL CLOSED due to big game hunting season.”
The schedule for hunting season varies according to the type of game you are allowed to hunt. This day was one of the three days of the season you are allowed to hunt bear. I think that this sign serves more as a warning to would be hikers rather than a restriction. However, one should always be cautious trekking in the woods alone. Last year in PA there were 46 total reported hunting accidents. 44 were non fatal which leaves 2. Wow, not very many. Of the two fatalities one was self inflicted and the other by someone else. However, there are many things in life that we engage in that are dangerous but in the woods hunters or no hunters, wildlife can be dangerous too.
As a proponent of our second amendment right which I believe was written under the idea that the United States was created from a pluralist ideal, The term “militia,” and “people” clearly refers to the plural form of “a free and individual citizen.” At the time written, there clearly was no debate about it’s interpretation. And as advanced and modern a society we think we are, let’s not be so silly to think that they had no imagination of the possible advancement of the firearm. Now if you try and claim that the term “arms” in it’s definition, does not include an assortment of personal weapons from a dagger to an assault riffle. I hope that you will suffer a life of enslavement because you clearly do not want to except the responsibility that comes with individual freedom. As you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to decline gun ownership. However, being that you resign to exercise your right does not mean that I should have to give up mine. This is why it’s an inalienable right. You see above, I do not have a gun. But more importantly you should see that I am being responsible for my own safety.
Although I do not own a gun because of the laws created by the useful idiots that make up the majority of New York City. A city that probably has stricter gun laws than Soviet Russia, I still was able to hunt and this is what I shot.
Isn’t our country beautiful?
Woke up this morning from a bad dream. The dream had to do with my self doubt, brought on by the event of absurd decisions made by other people. Their decisions were out of my control and their reasonings suggest that I’m not only to blame but that there is some thing fundamentally wrong with me. What makes this dream particularly bad is that it was nothing more than dream created in my own mind. It was delusional and self inflicted and obviously not by conscious intension. However, the lasting emotional effect incurred by this dream did not recede upon my awakening once I became cognizant that it was only a dream. These are the dreams (better to use the word nightmares) that can have devastating effect on my self morale and have a eroding effect on my awaking life. However, now that I’m awake I have to reconcile with feelings about myself and the truth beyond the dream.
Feelings brought on by a dream are real even though the dream is not.
My dream took place in a barn. After having drawn up storyboards for a director I was informed by the producer that I had been fired from the job. When I asked why, the producer told me it was because I didn’t draw chickens in the storyboard that was about a barn. When I suggested that I could easily revise them. The producer told me that the director didn’t want to work with me because he can’t work with anyone that would conceive of drawing a barn without chickens. In the dream, the barn I was in, there where no chickens.
Now isn’t this silly?
This is my Buddha; I had just recently acquired it. However, I’ve wanted one for a long time. Out of all the religious iconic statuettes the Buddha is my favorite. I think this is because it is a figure that has a uniform quality and does not exude character beyond its serene and tranquil form. I keep it on the windowsill of my bedroom where I can see it when I wake up and just before I go to bed.
I decided to update the look of my blog. Mainly cause I stumbled across a theme that would allow my viewers to play the videos I post in the same page. The nice thing is that I can now post pictures bigger and I created a header that is congruous to the style of the studioDK website.
Blogging is proving to be the correct remedy for that losted feeling that I expressed yesterday. I’m starting to again crank those creative gears. Also I’ve started to create an audience. I have a few that have registered and I’d like to thank them. This is why I do the work I do. All my efforts in working to create what I create is really my desire to build and entertain an audience. I don’t do it for my self! I’m not motivated by a self-absorbed masturbation, which always results in nothing. I do it to reach out. It’s not just for me to express my opinion but mainly to share my experience. I knew from the beginning that I would not let my blog to become a forum for me to criticize and pollute cyberspace with my negative thoughts which I have many. And it has been a success. I suggest everyone do it.
I’ve hit a mid summer lull. This lull has not come on because of the summer. It is due to a common occurrence that has happened over and over again through my life working as a freelancer. It happens when I’m taken out of the rhythm that I have been able to create for my self when I’m not working.
When I’m not working I have to find ways to stay motivated and crank those personal gears that allow me to build momentum. If a small and short job comes along such as storyboarding a commercial I can usually sustain my initial momentum after the job. However, at the beginning of this summer I was presented with a great opportunity to run a few projects in which I art directed, consulted and did the motion graphic work for the titles of three movies. One was a small Russian film, the other two where American films. “Girl in the Park” an independent film staring Sigourney Weaver and Kate Bosworth and “Awake” which is a larger budget movie staring Hayden Christensen, Jessica Alba and Terrence Howard. I am currently doing another movie called “Tenderness” which stars Russell Crowe.
All this work hit suddenly and because it was new territory for me it was a lot of pressure. I had to acclimate my self to a new workflow and process that I’m not so accustom to. And most all the responsibility fell on me to be able to produce. It’s been a good and challenging experience and will lead to new things and I’m very excited for that. But this work is on a contract bases and when it rains it pours. But one can also find one’s self in a drought.
As of now things have really slowed down and I feel as though I have lost my momentum. I’m lost as what to do with my self and not sure where I should put this energy. And what I tend to do is let this energy knot up inside. This produces a depressed and sad feeling inside of me. Every thing starts to become an effort and my attitude starts to become despondent and my moral low. This is how I feel. However, I know and have faith in my resilience and I have to keep an objective perspective that this feeling will pass and I have tools to help. And the tool that kept coming to mind for me is this blog.
For the last two weeks I have thought about my blog. I’ve thought how I need to post another and that for so long I haven’t. I felt that I had to put up a picture or do something that seems more gallant than just words on page. I have a natural tendency to want to build things to grand and monumental proportions. Instead I end up with self-pity that I cannot live up to my own expectations. It’s horrible. But I realized that the show must go on! And words are just as important. This blog is important to me. It is a work in progress and will never be finished. So for all that may be visiting words are what I have to offer now.
When I was 14, I bought a spike bracelet in a shop on 8th street. This spike bracelet was special. It was different. It’s quality was better than that of the typical spike bracelet. The leather was better and the spikes more distinct. These pyramid spikes peaked higher and where sharper. And through my life, I never saw anyone with the same style spike bracelet. They always had the typical one that was shallow and dulled. You can find those today usually on belts.
I’ve always held on to this bracelet. Although for many years I didn’t where it and actually pact it away in a box stored at my mothers house, I rediscovered it and held on to it in a more accessible place. I would were it and not. And the main reason for not was that I was afraid of losing it. It’s an important object for me. Mainly cause it symbolizes my adolescent emancipation. A time I decided that I would re-invent myself and display a message to the establishment that I was not an easy target that would follow the herds. I have spikes now, so don’t tread on me or you’ll get hurt. More importantly my decent is unique cause these spikes are special. This is not just an adolescent phase.
I’m still the same person I was then. Different, but the core is the same. My values are the same although my approach may be different but I still have the bracelet. In my 30’s I wore this spike bracelet more as a group of friends where buying jewelry from a designer that made pieces with a style and flare of rock N’roll rebel. For me they were just discovering them selves and celebrating their emancipation from the establishment. However, their ability to afford this jewelry was the result of their submission to it. I wore my spike bracelet with pride that it’s value was minute monetarily but much greater in it’s virtue. And because of this weight I was always afraid that I would lose it or lose a spike from it. As I said it’s unique. And can not be replaced.
This last month when I could finally afford it, I had a replica made from it with sterling silvers spikes and a buckle. Dave Pressley (917.771.9557) did a great job. He is a very talented jewelry designer. Although he felt that he made a copy, he did not. His buckle design worked perfect and has added an aristocratic quality to it that creates an irony that enhances the piece.
This new piece has already become very special to me. As I explained to a friend the story of how I had it re-invented because of my sentimental value of the older one. She said, “ this one is now to symbolize your arrival” And she is right!
This is my midyear report card of my sophomore year in high school. I cherish this relic of my past.
When recently asked why I would want to keep it? My answer was,” I’d like to show it to my kid when he is having trouble with school in his adolescents. I want to show him the proof and know that his father had trouble with school. I want him to know that his report card and experience in high school does not determine the worth of his identity and cap the value of what he will achieve in his lifetime.”
This report card for me is proof of a miracle. If you look closely at it, you will see that the common reason given for my failure is excessive absence. And this was true. I didn’t show up for school most of that whole quarter. But I didn’t fail every class. I passed one. And as the others I did not show and should of failed. Although science can rationalize it as a simple coincidence, I see it as a personal message to me by God or what ever you want to call that thing that is responsible for the cosmic order. Of all the report cards that I’ve had in my education, this one was the truest representation of me, my hope and the faith in my life, at a time when if asked, I would of denied and replied, ” If I had a button that could destroy the world, I would press it!”
On the report card the class is abriviated.